Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
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you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that鈥檚 right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
popsicle not seeing heaven 馃槶
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Mission: Impossible
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
1920鈥檚: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020鈥檚: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
More like Kate Missington.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 馃槶
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
The Mrs: Why haven鈥檛 you done laundry?
Me: I鈥檓 recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I鈥檓 also recycling my excuses
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it鈥檚 just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you鈥檙e out of moisturizer again.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.