Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
You Might Also Like
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
This kid is a star!
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.