Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
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When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget