The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
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5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
buying dead houseplants to save time
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire