The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
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The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
A drum solo but on your face.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard