The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
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The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly