Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
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mood
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK