Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
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*pokes sex life with a stick
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them