The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
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shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on