The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
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Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”