The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
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Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
That’s fair
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
I’m crying im so happy for them
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what