The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
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“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
the short answer to this question
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!