The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
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football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible