The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
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My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
being a writer on Twitter:
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.