The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
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[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
The 6 types of sex
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening