The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
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5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Ooh I do like a good funnel
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town