The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
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Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
I am HOWLING at this
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
everyone’s a critic
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.