@JohnHilsen: The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
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@novicefather: My toddler is learning to speak so I'm trying to teach him some phrases for social success. Things like "true dat" and "pass the gravy."
@mattsurely: Me: What do you call sex in December? Wife: Don't say it. Me: ... W: ... Me: Wintercourse. W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
@SirEviscerate: OSTRICH: *buries head in sand* ANTELOPE: You're crazy! OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I'm NOT going back to jail
@notacroc: Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites* Bouncer: you still can't go in