@JohnHilsen: The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
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@KimmyMonte: [sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding] hey, this priest bothering you?
@Ygrene: [I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth] “Well this isn’t so bad”, I say [I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
@primawesome: Oatmeal shouldn't get to have the word "meal" in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
@AndyAsAdjective: ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner's ready! 6YR OLD: what are we having? ME: you'll like it! trust me! 6: I ain't falling for that shit again