The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
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Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
crochet youtube is brutal
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.