The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
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I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
The struggle is real.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…