The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
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[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Erm…