The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
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Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Chemical wingman
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!