Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
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ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..