The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very