@iscoff: The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
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@lilgapeach30: I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent. Might not kill him but he'll never have any friends.
@Maui_Speaks: Dear person who just turned in your resume with no name or phone number. You didn't get the job.
@lovemydogduck: My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won't be going back.
@38percentsure: "I'm half black and I'm trying to decide who I want to have kids with. Do I want them to have every advantage in life, or be able to dance?"