My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
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Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,