Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
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-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Hey i am sexy to you now
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t