@TomSchally: The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
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@BeardSpice: *walks into bank* THIS IS A ROBBERY *people drop to the floor* JUST KIDDING, BUT NOW THAT YOU'RE LISTENING *lowers guns* A TOMATO IS A FRUIT
@rablivingstone: People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys. In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
@HopeUproar: Go to Target for shampoo. End up leaving with a blender, new pajamas, a couch, four kids and a car.
@rockymomax: MORGAN FREEMAN: I'm here to narrate your life ME: cool! [2 hrs later] MF: he's still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol