@TomSchally: The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
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@slimmy_shady: Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it's the cat's way of saying "What the f are you looking at?!"
@mollymcnearney: Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
@CubanaMama82: I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it's obvious he had no idea how letters work.
@rachelle_mandik: people say they're "over the moon" when they're happy, but it's a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over