The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
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Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.