The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
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Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Looking at you, Jesus.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Why am I like this?
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
“you changed” bro i was 15
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down