The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
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I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Google Pay be like:
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*