@ch000ch: it's cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like "just as i suspected guys. it's shit."

@Rad_Lemur: The defense rests your honor. *camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

@WilliamAder: Nurse at the doctor's office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.

@TheAlexNevil: This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.

@iGreenMonk: When someone tries to hand me a baby, I say, "No, thanks. I'm vegetarian."