@yonewt: In the movies, anyone can hotwire a car in 10 seconds. In real life, it takes me 20 minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental.

@THEDUTHCHESS: Day 1 of being kidnapped. Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back. Husband is asking for more money.

@jlock17: If our children don't learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

@Hormonella: There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

@joejwest: [deathbed] ME: Give me that sword & I'll haunt it when I die SON: I made this [hands me cake] ME: No! [dies] CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it