The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
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[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.