The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
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ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Education is vital
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now