The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
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The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?