“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
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me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.