The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
You Might Also Like
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again