The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
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Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.