4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
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I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
do horses think humans are hats
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
man i love columbo