Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
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Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man