The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
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Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
what do you want!!!!!!!!
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business