The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
You Might Also Like
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.