The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
You Might Also Like
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month