I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
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if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
My circle of trust is a meatball
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer