Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
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**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.