The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
You Might Also Like
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.