The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
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OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
this has done me in for some reason
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them