The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
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“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
This anagram machine is out of order.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.