[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
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When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.