@Cataractsat41: The second my daughter gets her own place, I’m coming over and clogging her toilet.
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@gobmentcheese: I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, "I read what you said on the internet."
@chuuew: POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes? DOG: Correct
@TheHyyyype: [first day as a detective] ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left! OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy's over there