@Cataractsat41: The second my daughter gets her own place, I’m coming over and clogging her toilet.
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@xofreckles: Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
@Ygrene: [first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume] ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
@CommonSavant: Mom: Why can't you be successful like your brother? Amazon: heh Optimus: But I saved humanity from Decepticons! Thanksgiving at the Primes
@stephenjmolloy: Date: Do you want to go upstairs? Me: Sure. Date: Do you have any protection? Me: Who's up there?