Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
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If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good