The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
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Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
twitter users today:
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”