The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
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“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
found this cool rock hiking today
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Poetry is my passion
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.