The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
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Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”