The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
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F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Look at this
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Sign of the day..